Paanch Theh Tiger


No no..Its not what it looks like. This has nothing to do with the Salmaan Khan Blockbuster doing the rounds these days. I know how you might have done a link-and-think. For those who followed the Oceans 11 series (Oceans 11,12, 13) you might have thought the Ek Tha Tiger series might also follow an arithmetic progression leading to possibly a Do theh Tiger, Teen theh Tiger….till Paanch Theh Tiger (n=5). As much as I would like to blog about this movie without seeing it, this post I assure you has nothing to do with it. What it has something to do with are 2 things:

1. I am Jobless (and not the kind I was before)

2. This actually/probably involves 5 tigers.

Well it all started with a weekend visit to UK. UK as you all must know also stands for Uttarakhand. And my destination was the hill-station known as Bhimtal (In case you are worried this is going to become a travel blog, you can put your fears to rest.). The talk of the town was supposedly the mayhem caused by the tigers in these hills. My uncle told us stories about these wild cats with great gusto, pointing at some of the nearby trees where the Tiger’s 3 cubs (2 parent tigers + 3 offspring tigers = 5 tigers, and hence the title) would bask in the sun, on some occasions or narrating the tales of local domestic animals going “missing”. After hearing similar stories from many others (ranging from tiger sightings near the backyard of some homes, claims of the tigers quenching their thirst from the garden hose and also half eaten animals being left to be discovered).

With so much circumstantial evidence my Dad summed up much of the mystery surrounding the tigers by recalling another one of his famous jokes (something that I shall share this time). The tigers, according to him, belonged to the category of things that included ghosts and good wives (the joke being that many people talk about them but no one has actually ever seen one).

We also visited a few people we knew there, and on one such occasion we played with one of their pet dogs before sitting down for a while. While leaving, after hearing another round of tiger tales, and convinced that there is no chance of actually seeing a tiger in action, we returned to our car where we saw the pet dog, we had played with about an hour ago, laying dead on the road. With mixed feelings of regret for the loss of life and excitement of a possible tiger attach we inquired what had happened. Unfortunately, the dead dog was a result of a car and not a carnivore. In the end all I could say was Ek bhi  Tha Tiger ?

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SNACKS ON A PLANE


Air travel, statistically the safest and most boring way of travel. I don’t know whether it’s the recycled air or the fact that the the captain changes his mind  every minute whether it’s better to keep the seat belts on or off, but I have always preferred the trains to the planes. As a rule of thumb, the seat belt sign can be expected to be turned on right when your bladder thinks enough is enough. Or it could be the other way round and it could be almost like a Pavlovian response that whenever the seat belt sign is “on” you feel like you have to answer nature’s call. Anyway…I digress as usual. Today’s agenda in about airline food. Contrary to the popular opinion that airline food is bad (something which is similar to ” the mess food is always bad” condition), I quite enjoy it.

All that was about to change this time as I embarked on my most recent journey aboard a plane bound from Calcutta to New Delhi via Chennai via Bangalore (they do run them like private buses. I inquired at the airport once why does the board say the plane is going to Bangalore and not Delhi, the response to which reminded me of one of my Dad’s jokes that I have heard too many times to count. Thus I will not share it here to preserve whatever sanity that is left. Anyone interested to hear it can let me know ). It wasn’t the food as such. I must say that the Chicken Junglee Sandwich was quite worth the 190 buks I spent on it  (there IndiGo, here’s your precious costumer feedback! Now stop sending me those darn emails). Usually I concentrate on food and not on its packaging.  But this time, as I was already a scholar of the in flight menu and knew the in flight magazine by heart, I began to observe the packing of the sandwich ( I must mention here that I did eat the sandwich and washed it down with an Ice tea way before I found the packing interesting. I finished it before Samuel MF Jackson could say  ” I’ve had it with these motherf**** snacks on this motherf*** plane ! (-adapted from the epic movie Snakes on a Plane)).

It is then that I realized that what I had just eaten was not the Chicken Junglee Sandwich at all. No..it was something completely different..never could I have imagined that what I had just filled my stomach with was not a sandwich…it was instead an AIRWICH !!! Now just when I had thought all of reality was crumbling around me and I was about to be sucked into an alternate dimension or ,as the Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons would put it, Bizaro World, it was the package that saved me. On the side of the panel was a narrative, which oddly enough seemed to be inspired from a amalgamation of several Bollywood story lines involving twins separated in childhood in the Kumbh mela (Kumbh mela is a the auspicious festival of bathing in the river Ganga that occurs every 4 years in the city of Allahabad , much like the Olympics or the cricket world cup, just not that entertaining. For those who are wondering when the Olympics or the cricket world cup was held in Allahabad, please stop reading this blog from now. Our job here is done).

Well continuing with the story, which was written in Hindi in the Devanagari script (a cheap way to irritate South Indians and North Indians alike). The story spoke of (and I shit you not, I have the box still and can send a scanned copy to those of little faith) two brothers the Airwich and the Sandwich that were separated from each other in the Kumbh mela. Airwich was adopted by a pilot and became a pilot while the Sandwich was abducted by bandits and taken to the famous desert of Chambal and hence turned to a life of crime. One day while Airwich was flying over the sand of Chambal, he saw the Sandwich and instantly realized it was his lost brother.He dropped a letter for him and the Sandwich wrote his reply in the sand for the Airwich to see. Though both wanted to meet each other they could not due to the fact that the Sandwich was on the ground and the Airwich was always in the sky. But though they never met it is said that the messages can still be seen in the sands of Chambal. <story ends>. Now I don’t know what to make of this..either someone got really drunk and thought of this and someone got even more drunk and approved of it or someone should make a movie on it and see what happens to it (well everyone thought Snakes on a plane would turn out bad but did it?…..NO IT DID NOT!). But that was just one side of the packing. While I was still recovering from this heart warming/irritating/ slightly spooky(?) story I saw that the other sides and flap of the packing also had somethings on it. (Such powers of observation are usually not something I am known for. I am usually a ignorant and hence blissful idiot.) On one of the side there was a section entitled (again in hindi) ” Dimagi Kasrat” or Mental exercise. A more fitting name would be mental torture ( I must say some of the   riddles did border on things not really approved by the human rights charter.. exibit A :multiply 3454545 x 355899545 without a calculator). And finally when I thought the worst is over I see a small song on the flap of the cover (which I don’t think there is any sense in translating here).

The only thing I learnt from this was to just get an Ice tea next time and carry my own parathas.

<abrupt end?>

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It’s all in the STARS!!!


W&M Fans and Followers…beware… We have just enabled star ratings on the blog. And what does that mean for you? Yeah you guessed it. Gone are the days where you could get rid of us and our WAMing (thats our own brand of almost spam..patent pending) by simply liking us on facebook or reading our post. Now you have the option/obligation/duty to rate each post… Look on the bright side..maybe if you rate us consistently poor we might stop………………..( In the words of Sheldon Cooper “I thought the Bazzinga was implied here”)

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The ultimate truth


Now, we all know about Heisenberg’s Uncertainty principle that elucidates the wave-particle duality of photons. For those of you who don’t speak English – I’m citing wiki:

In quantum mechanics, the uncertainty principle is any of a variety of mathematical inequalities asserting a fundamental limit on the precision with which certain pairs of physical properties of a particle, such as position x and momentum p, can be simultaneously known.

Clear enough? If not, go google it. If that also doesn’t help, this link might be handy. Moving on, we also know that Erwin Schrödinger explained in 1935 about a cat: popularly known as Schrödinger’s cat – to better explain the problem he saw with the Copenhagen Interpretation of Quantum Physics. Sheldon Cooper has also clearly explained the state for you lesser mortals who do not understand simple quantum physics:

Now, moving on. We at wigsandmuscles are constantly exploring the universe for the ultimate truth, or several ultimate truths. Not that we always find them, but we nevertheless strive for them. It was upon one such journey that we found the awesome Schrödinger’s potty. Indian in origin, of course. We stumbled upon this when we embarked on a final trip to get rid of muscles from our world HQ. The explanation, with legend in pictorial fashion is elucidated below for simple references:

As you can clearly see, from the picture, that while the Western Closet (abbreviated as WC, which could easily be confused with a Water Closet) is vacant, the Indian Closet is both vacant and occupied at the same time. Now this could be interpreted at various levels, I can think of at least 12. But what is more important is that this Indian potty – or the Indian-style lavatory is live example of the dilemma that could be used to explain the problem of the Copenhagen principle. This potty, is both vacant and occupied, and we con’t able to find out for sure unless we get into the potty if it was truly just vacant or occupied.

Alternately, the sensor might have been f’ed up. Oh yeah, that would explain a lot. 😉

P.S.: The inspiration to this post couldn’t have been materialized if I wasn’t able to take that picture. Which was highly likely considering my Samsung Corby Plus (read Plus, not Pro) was on low battery and the otherwise-good camera fails to work at important moments. Which is why I must extend a warm note of appreciation and thanks to our good friend code_name_ericcson_007 (whose identity I con’t able to reveal at this point). She has a blackberry smart phone and it was with that blackberry curve smartphone that this smart-ass picture was clicked. Thank ye!

How To Bypass the Petrol Price Hike- A simple guide brought to you by W&M


Well the title goes like this “How To Bypass the Petrol Price Hike- A simple guide brought to you by W&M”

So not a lot of mystery in this blog post. But if “mystery” is your cup of tea/coffee/lemonade/milk, you might want to check this out (no we aren’t spamming).

So I do feel that the whole country is upset about the petrol price hike and things like a partial roll back and slashing of petrol car prices just doesnt cut it for most. The worst affected are the poor auto guys who were already dealing with the problem of petrol contracting in volume during night times to almost half its volume (why else would they charge double the price after 8 pm). The poor guys also do not have enough money to repair their meters. But anyway, my ode to the auto rikshaw fellows will be another one and without any other diversions I shal take to the one way road that this blog post is…(ensoi)..

1. Convert your vehicle into a share auto. Yeah, its possible. Just make sure you keep all the openable doors open and cram as many people you can on the way to work/whatever. On good days you might be able to cover your whole travel expense and on better days you might make a buk or two, especially if you manage to get an extra four passengers such as the triple-A share auto guy below:

2.Buy a diesel car. Ok that was a no brainer..but then you’d be hit by the rising cost in diesel. Same would happpen if you shift to CNG.

3. Use the bicycle. Well most people would think this advice works only for people living in small towns and villages( read vellore). It could’nt be further from the truth. A bicycle when harnessed to a motorised vehicle can get you anywhere at no cost.. ofcourse if you dont grab onto the vehicle well enough the cost may envolve a limb or two..but hey..thats no biggie. Plus, we got some great ideas in modifying your bicycle to accommodate more of your family folks:

Well the bike in the picture does look motorized. This one is an electronic version, and you can check out our upcoming book for instructions on how to convert your bicycle to seat three.

4. Become an MP/MLA. This will solve a lot more problems than just the petrol hike. But I personaly dnt recommend it.

Well politics has its own pros and cons. More of cons of course. But as long as you are the conner, you ought not to worry about being conned.

5.  Cheap tricks. Based on the mileage that your vehicle gives calculate how much more you would be paying per km since the petrol hike. Now determine how many km would you need to drive less to make the amount of money spent on conveyence to remain the same.

e.g

If you travelled at 10 km/L  . Assuming the cost of petrol at X you would have spent Rs. X/10 per km. Now that the cost of petrol has become X+Y  you would be spending Rs (X+Y)/10. An increase of Rs Y/10. So let us assume you travelled z km earlier the total cost earlier would be zx/10. To keep the cost constant after the price hike you would have to travel some distance lesser (d). So determine ‘d’ by this formula:

zx/10  = (z-d)(x+y)/10

–>  zx/10= zx/10+zy/10-d(x+y)/10

–> (zy/10)-d(x+y)/10=0

–>zy-dx-dy=0

–>d= zy(x+y)          where you shud substitute x and y that are initial petrol price and increase respectively.

Now you basically ask people at different places to push your car some distance making some excuse like the engine stalled on you/ the battery is dead etc and make sure the total distance is equal to ‘d’. So thats it..problem solved..

Or alternatively, you can follow the following equation to get a better calculation accurate to the nearest centimeter:

thats all the time we have today folks.. till next time.. happy driving…

from W&M- commited to driving you mad.

P.S.: Picture credits here, herehere, here and here.

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WAMming


Wigs: Dude, let’s WAM!!

Muscles: What’s WAM?

Wigs: Did you ask that while the TV’s were WAMming about Zoot?!

Muscles: No, because I didn’t care what Zoot meant.

Wigs: Why do you not care? This is the problem with you Indians. You don’t care about what goes on on TV, and when someone says something to you while they make a blog-post, you go all “dude what does that mean”. It’s almost as if:

Wigs (contd.): There’s just no end to your un-understanding.

Muscles: Don’t you mean mis-understanding.

Wigs: See?! You see?! There’s no end to your un-interpretations.

Muslces: “MIS”interpretations.

Wigs: Did I miss something?

Click here to read full post

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Thoughts Of A Profound Retard!


So I gave a lot of serious thought to what this post should be about before I realised that I was at WnM where serious thoughts obviously are worth nothing.  Oh and before I begin, as much as the title suggests that this post is being written by the famous Anon, I would like to leak out my identity. I am Katy Jane – name changed by muscle for apparently “protecting their fans from other fans” but I really know this is just another one of his stints at cheap publicity. Coz :-

(a)  I’m not a fan..in fact I wasn’t even a regular till I read the blog and found a name, strikingly similar to mine,  being used as a reason for the particular post.  (I would like to believe I have nothing to do with whatever is going on here)

(b)  WHAT “other” fans??!! (jeez! Get a life!)

Anyway, if there’s one thing I’m not, at least I try not to be, is being rude. So quickly then, I would like to thank muscle and wigs also for letting me post something here (although I do not know wigs, but if anyone was demented enough to co found something with muscle…well then my sympathies!)

For some reason I keep wanting to call it a guest lecture (in my head). Probably it’s because I’m freshly out of college which also is confusing coz we never had any guest lectures. No. Same old/young ugly professors. Well two of them were actually good looking and I mean “gooood” lookin’. They kinda made up for the rest of them. One of them, I couldn’t even talk to half the time. He’d be like: “hey katy..how’s it going?” (this name’s growing on me..yikes!) and I’d be like: “um umm yeah um…bazooka!” Madness!!

So as of now this stays untitled. Probably by the end of this post we’d know what this was about. For all you know WnM could make a contest out of it. In fact, I think they will and in that case I don’t have to rack my brains over this!

Now, I will focus on the work at hand and write something non sensical.  Partly because I can’t really think of anything in particular to talk about and mainly because there’s a certain level of non sense these guys have achieved over a considerable period of time and I do not want to disappoint them.

I definitely want to talk about something interesting. But you see I have been at home for a while now and when that happens, basically your interests temporarily (hopefully!) are based around – as I like to call it- “the domestic setup”. So there’s television, thank heavens a Wi Fi connection, a bed to crash on at anytime of the day, a loaded refrigerator, a kitchen (for those who have culinary skills…but you wanna be careful about that…spending more time than is required in kitchen, changes “what do you wanna have for dinner” to “what are you cooking for dinner” TRUE STORY!) continuing with the list… oh no, that IS the list.

Of all the items mentioned, what irks me most is the television. I wish they had called it the “moron box” then so that now we could call it the “idiot box”. If you are thinking – whaaaat?? I would like to explain. You see according to the classification of IQ levels, anything below 70 is considered retardation. And because the people who invented such classifications had nothing better to do with their life and time, they further classified retardation into the following.

50-69 Moron
 20-49 Imbecile
below 20 Idiot

Obviously our crazy society (and by that I do not mean the ones who actually are specially abled..I have more respect for those, than who pretend to be sane and are not!) used and abused these terms so that the classifiers had to re classify it into mild, moderate, severe and profound (not as catchy.. hence prevention of the abuse)

[@muscle: nice geeky touch na?]

So anyway, point is, there’s nothing beyond an idiot. We could call it the “profoundly retard box” but then that’s just too long.

Stuff on tv sucks and how! Move over formula movies coz now we have formula soaps/sitcoms.

One / two families + evil mom / daughter-in-law in either or better still both families+ one marriage connecting the two families (in case of one family a new entrant)+ one do-gooder in either/both families+ more evil people+ scheming and plotting+ one sad tragic death (usually of the do-gooder)+ one/multiple surgeries+ one comeback+ more scheming and plotting+ lots of background music/drum rolls/copied or modified songs  = DECENT TRP SHOW

Wanna make it better? Add a twenty year leap and repeat above algorithm.

Wanna make it into a reality show? Replace families with groups of non related people. Beep out the profanities. Follow the same/similar algorithm and oh oh shoot in documentary mode. Tada!

If things continue like this pretty soon we could use these for third degree torture. Oh and I don’t mean by showing them these soaps again and again but getting the convicts hooked on to them and then just when the evil aunt/uncle/gardener/dog is about to be exposed…we stop streaming! And will they get hooked you ask? Of course they will…everybody needs entertainment. It doesn’t matter what kind. Just like this blog. They want publicity. Good/bad/ugly. Do they care? No. Of course not.

With that I will end this torture too.  It was lovely being here. Thanks for the valid trespassing license. 😉

P.S: The title was suggested my muscle. sweet revenge. 😉

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